


when it comes to an end

by Distressedegg



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, M/M, ambiguous terminal illness, um its sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 22:21:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12850725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Distressedegg/pseuds/Distressedegg
Summary: kevin learns how to die. Connor learns how to cope (not really).





	when it comes to an end

**Author's Note:**

> (if the angst doesnt make u cry the terrible writing will)  
> i hope this makes sense i wrote it when i couldnt sleep so like  
> trigger warnings for character death um yeah

The day goes well. By the time they get to their vows everything is cast in a soft orange light as the afternoon turns to evening. Connor thinks the way it highlights Kevin’s hair might be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

Everything is so wonderful, and for a while Connor almost forgets to worry.

Except he doesn’t, not really, because nothing can ever stop the inevitable, and nothing can ever stop reminding him of it.

They’d almost had a church wedding, until Kevin mentioned how his family would probably take control of the funeral, and that would most definitely mean it would be held in a church. Connor hopes he doesn’t seem selfish when he changes the wedding venue because he desperately wants a separation between the two.

They held it in a park instead. Connor knows he’s made the right choice when Kevin tells him the autumn leaves match his hair.

 

Kevin smiles at him and takes his hands when he reaches the altar and Connor might just be the happiest man on earth, until he remembers how soon it is until he will feel like the unhappiest man on earth. Kevin kisses him in front of all their friends, and it’s amazing until Connor remembers the limited time Kevin has left to kiss him like this. There are flower petals in his dark hair at the reception, and Connor thinks he wants to cry with joy knowing that this man is now his husband, but then Kevin’s eyes roll up into his head and his body comes crashing to the floor, and suddenly Connor wants to cry for a completely different reason.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kevin says on the drive back from the hospital. The clock on the dashboard glows green and declares it to be 1:46 am, even though it’s really 1:36. Kevin had set the clock ten minutes fast to try and get Connor to stop being late to everything. It worked for three days before he realised. Neither of them had bothered to change it back.

“Please don’t apologise. It’s not your fault.” Connor glances over at the passenger seat as they pull up to a red light. “I’m just glad you’re still okay.” The ‘still’ hangs heavy in the air and Connor wishes he hadn’t said it.

He turns his attention back to the road, but feels Kevin’s hand grab his own, the one that isn’t resting against the steering wheel.

“I love you.”

 

 

Connor hadn’t meant to ask it. He hadn’t even considered it before then.

But then Kevin had said “it’s weird, you know. You’re going to be the only person I’ve ever loved. But then I’m just going to be a blip in your life. You’re going to wake up one day when you’re eighty and I’m just going to be another thing that happened in your twenties.”

And before Connor knows what he’s doing, there’s gravel pressing into his knee on the ground and the words “Will you marry me?” are leaving his mouth. It takes his brain a second to realise he’s missing something, but by then all he can stutter out is “sorry, I- I don’t have a ring. Or, or anything. But, I just-“

 

Kevin smiles into his hands like a thirteen year old girl, and Connor thinks he hears him squeal (Kevin will deny it later, but Connor knows what he heard.)

But then the smile drops from his face and his expression returns to its perpetual sombre state (the one that Connor has rarely seen leave his face since his first trip to the doctors). “You don’t have to do this just for me, you know.”

Connor fights to keep his own smile plastered on his face. “I know. But I want to. I want to be able to remember you as my husband when I wake up one day when I’m eighty.”

 

 

Connor hadn’t really thought about what would happen after the end. It had always presented itself as some ambiguous, vague time in the future where everything would be different. Sometimes he felt like he was dying along with Kevin. Sometimes he wished he was.

But he wasn’t. And the day after the funeral he sat in their apartment- his apartment, it was just his apartment now, feeling so utterly directionless. Kevin’s shoes were still by the door, his nice ones that he’d worn on their date the night before he’d gone into hospital for the last time.

He tries sorting Kevin’s things into boxes; things to go back to his parents, things to keep, things to take to the thrift store. He gets three items in before giving up and breaking down.

 

 

He goes through the motions. He makes their- his bed, he showers, he cleans the kitchen, he goes to work. He does the groceries once a week. The first time he goes, the supermarket is having a sale on Kevin’s favourite cereal, and Connor almost grabs a box thinking he’ll surprise him with it before he remembers.

The store manager doesn’t really know what to do when he’s told there’s a customer crying on the floor in aisle five.


End file.
